(/:~_~\)

Sum1 mentioned xanga the other day... I figured I would update mine... lol

I want to leave.

I could leave.

But I totally can't fucking leave.... I love coming home, to visit. I do & I love my mom. However, I cannot take all this BS anymore. We were supposed to go to SD today, but she has a temp of 100* *growls* we've been planning this for like a week.. just up & back. And she gets fucking sick... I hate that I have obligations here, but w/o those obligations I would feel lost too. It's who I am I please ppl, I always do... I'm pretty bitchy accept when I should be.

Lets say I do leave right now to like anywhere, I could... but I would feel really bad for leaving my mom, even tho she doesnt really need me right now if something were to happen while I was gone... holy fuck! I would take full responsibility for it... its what I do.

I hate who I am. Right now. I hate that I don't have a job, that I'm not swimming, I'm atm not in school. I hate it... & I know at least one person who would say just go do it... fix it... if you hate it that bad go fix it... & I can come up w/ a half a billion reasons why its not that easy, so I must not hate it that bad right? Wrong.. its just Im not the person that goes out & makes friends... idk why... My safe spot is either my nose studying or at home doing nothing, its not what I like but its where Im safe & no one can judge me & no one can tell me Im wrong &... etc...

I hate being told Im wrong, someone telling me Im wrong & showing me how to fix it cool... but someone telling me Im wrong critique what Im doing wrong & leave me to figure it out.... omfg.... I get nervous around ppl. All ppl. Even my friends... Im self confident on the outside but inside...

Ever wish your parents werent around... I wouldnt have to listen to mom complain about health, money or my dad. I wouldnt have to deal w/ dad being an ass hole, I wouldnt have to see pictures of his slut, I wouldnt have to deal w/ any of it I could just be myself... A friend of mine said that the only way he is going to figure stuff out is if he is forced to... Id like to think its not true for me... but I know it is... as long as Im not forced to do something (most things) i wont.

There's a lot more I would like to write, but can't because this is the World Wide Web, & I don't want ppl knowing all of my business... There's just this one person I love... mostly just because Im selfish. I wish I meant more to ppl. I know what I should do, I know what's right, but I just keep going back to what is comfortable... but its not even comfortable its just what I know... I feel like a slut... some of you will say I am... whatever... most of you don't have that much room to talk. I want to be someone's everything. I want to know there is one person that will be by my side forever. I want that commitment I want to prove to everyone that I can be that person... I want to prove to e1 that I have what it takes to be successful in life. I loving relationship, an excellent job & superb social skills. I want that. I want that respect. I want that status. I want all the people who hate me now & think that I am just some rich bitch daddy's little spoiled girl... to look at me in the future as the rich bitch that worked her ass off to reach the top.

Thats what I want..

<3 Merf

(/:~_~\)

Sum1 mentioned xanga the other day... I figured I would update mine... lol

I want to leave.

I could leave.

But I totally can't fucking leave.... I love coming home, to visit. I do & I love my mom. However, I cannot take all this BS anymore. We were supposed to go to SD today, but she has a temp of 100* *growls* we've been planning this for like a week.. just up & back. And she gets fucking sick... I hate that I have obligations here, but w/o those obligations I would feel lost too. It's who I am I please ppl, I always do... I'm pretty bitchy accept when I should be.

Lets say I do leave right now to like anywhere, I could... but I would feel really bad for leaving my mom, even tho she doesnt really need me right now if something were to happen while I was gone... holy fuck! I would take full responsibility for it... its what I do.

I hate who I am. Right now. I hate that I don't have a job, that I'm not swimming, I'm atm not in school. I hate it... & I know at least one person who would say just go do it... fix it... if you hate it that bad go fix it... & I can come up w/ a half a billion reasons why its not that easy, so I must not hate it that bad right? Wrong.. its just Im not the person that goes out & makes friends... idk why... My safe spot is either my nose studying or at home doing nothing, its not what I like but its where Im safe & no one can judge me & no one can tell me Im wrong &... etc...

I hate being told Im wrong, someone telling me Im wrong & showing me how to fix it cool... but someone telling me Im wrong critique what Im doing wrong & leave me to figure it out.... omfg.... I get nervous around ppl. All ppl. Even my friends... Im self confident on the outside but inside...

Ever wish your parents werent around... I wouldnt have to listen to mom complain about health, money or my dad. I wouldnt have to deal w/ dad being an ass hole, I wouldnt have to see pictures of his slut, I wouldnt have to deal w/ any of it I could just be myself... A friend of mine said that the only way he is going to figure stuff out is if he is forced to... Id like to think its not true for me... but I know it is... as long as Im not forced to do something (most things) i wont.

There's a lot more I would like to write, but can't because this is the World Wide Web, & I don't want ppl knowing all of my business... There's just this one person I love... mostly just because Im selfish. I wish I meant more to ppl. I know what I should do, I know what's right, but I just keep going back to what is comfortable... but its not even comfortable its just what I know... I feel like a slut... some of you will say I am... whatever... most of you don't have that much room to talk. I want to be someone's everything. I want to know there is one person that will be by my side forever. I want that commitment I want to prove to everyone that I can be that person... I want to prove to e1 that I have what it takes to be successful in life. I loving relationship, an excellent job & superb social skills. I want that. I want that respect. I want that status. I want all the people who hate me now & think that I am just some rich bitch daddy's little spoiled girl... to look at me in the future as the rich bitch that worked her ass off to reach the top.

Thats what I want..

<3 Merf

Currently Listening Miracle By Cascada see related

What does it feel like when your soul hurts?

Does it feel like a back ache?

Or like a stab wound?

What causes your soul to hurt?

Emotion?

Physical Pain?

Mental Sh!t?

Stress?

What should you do about it?

Address it head on?

Ignore it?

Confess it?

Hold on to it?

At almost 18 years old, is it wrong to blame your dad for all the problems, all the pain (emotionally, physically, mentally) your mom is going through. Is it wrong to believe that your dad is slowly killing everything your mom has built herself up to be? A strong, independant, working, gentle, patient, caring woman & mother. Is it wrong to wish that a strong devinere (sp?) wonderful man would come swoop her off her feet while her ex-husband is watching.

Different Complaing... Different Day.... SOS

Complaining

Ok, I feel like sh!t & I'm going to complain.

It started off a while ago, w/ me gaining weight, whatever tho I mean I'm not trying to impress anybody & it's not like I'm getting fat, but it's just gotten to me.

Then my dad. A jerk & a half most the time. He called me a couple days ago, & I didn't have my phone on me so I missed the call, & I didn't call him back. No biggie, half the time when I call him he doesn't call me back so whatever. Yeah, I thought wrong. He calls last night on the house phone & first off makes me feel like sh!t for not calling him back & then accuses me of TPing his house... ya know because I'm the only one who is pissed off @ him. So it had to be me or one of my friends.

First of all : if I'm going to do something to any1's house it's going to be creative, it's not going to be TP, maybe foaming, maybe sporking, maybe dying... but not not TPing.

What pisses me off is this is the 2nd time he has accused me of sh!t last time it was egging his stupid hoe's car... omg!? wtf?! Part of pranking is knowing that person will get you back worse... YOU DO NOT EGG someones car... thats fucked up! It takes paint off... end of story fucked up.

Second of all : Why is it me or my friends? Why isn't it VonKrigenDouche's son? No it has to be me right? WTF?

So at first after hanging up w/ my dad I was kind of like whatever... then me being who I am had to dwell... I lost it.

"THAT FUCKING HOE BAG RUINED MY FUCKING LIFE!? THAT LIL FUCKING WHORE HAS MY DAD WRAPPED AROUND HER FINGER!?" I couldn't take it. I had to leave the inside of my house so I went outside. A father should not put his daughter in such a situation. On top of that a 17 yr old girl should not have thoughts of chopping someone up into bits, shooting a person, or stabbing.. I would NEVER do anything like that to anyone!! Let us get that straight... it's just a nice way to relieve mental stress thinking about such things.. ........ (30min l8r) ........ needless to say I have a wonderful boyfriend & support of friends that help me cope (Vivian, Dani, Bonnie... etc).

So that drama happened last night.

My mom's been having pain in her back (rib area) so she decided after a week of unbearable pain she would go into the ER. So she did that this morning... adding to the drama (mostly in my head I know) they admitted her to the hospital. So now I am w/o a mom for the night... I know I bitch about my mom... we fight... we scream.... we hate each other... but when it comes down to it.. w/o the other one we couldn't survive.

It is mostly because of her & Sid I stay alive, I mean I believe right down to the core that Suicide if fucking gay, cheap way to end life, & hurts more >ppl< then you'll ever know.... but sometimes....

Ok ... I'm done I'm going to go play World of Warcraft now.

goodnight all

I leave Aug 20ish for NAU.

<3 Merf